presence/absence

An excerpt from an article by Gary Collins of Moot, Westminster:

"A post/modern a/theology of G-d is well prepared to agree that there is no God to know, that it is impossible to enclose, define or describe this impossibility. It’s an absurdity. At the same time we can still acknowledge the, (roughly remembered), words of St.Peter to Jesus; ‘where can we go without you Lord?’. The embrace of G-d is close despite the mystery. We know it in our children, in the pursuit of justice, in the sweet songs of ordinary lives. We may go as far as seeing that the distinctions of ‘believing’ or ‘not believing’, no longer truly hold. The process continues. We may well and truly become ‘a/theist’ in our pursuit of the divine."

I read this the other day and it was really refreshing. Recently I have been truly beset with the realisation that everything I ever knew about God may not/is probably not true, in its totality. Its been tough at times. A couple of weeks ago a good friend contracted a very serious bout of malaria. I was really upset by my powerlessness in the situation. Being in a tight spot, as you do, I turned to G-d (foxhole love I think its called!). I was soon to realise, in a new a quite painful way, that the G-d I think hears me when I pray ( as in the one I've made for myself, not the rather illusive, 'real' G-d)) is more or less impotent. I am unable to relate with the idea of a G-d who is always there and who heals, cares. he just doesn't seem consistent enough. I really cant rely on him... as it happens, my friend Ian has so far made a good recovery. dont smirk! I would never even consider that G-d had healed him, I just think medicine works etc.

I am sure that if I wasn't so bruised by some of life's experiences (my own, or others experiences) I could believe in a G-d who 'sometimes' does cool things, who can sometimes pop up and do the odd miraculous wonder for our benefit (and his glory, of course). But right now, I am really struggling to see this as a possibility.

....i dont believe ....always. I suppose that makes me an a/theist. that resonates with me because I do recognise much that is helpful, neccessary, beautiful and trustworthy about the divine/spiritual/religious ....as Gary says, 'in the sweet songs of everyday lives.'

Indeed, the process continues.........