re. me

Hi there.

I put up the excerpt taken from my last essay just yesterday, but I feel I need to chat about it a little, offer some personal comment.

I am not from London, I am a Northern Irish man. I was brought up in a "Christian" home, went to a presbyterian church till I was 18, and then a Vineyard fellowship till I was 22. I came to London to face some problems regarding my faith in Christ. These seemed to have originated from academic/secular critiques of religion; having had a long habit of facing my fears, I pursued these questions in a bid to face the very worst they had to offer and see if my faith could stand the pressure. (Or was it to see if God could stand the pressure? - then again, does God cease to exist if I no longer believe in him/her? Does God exist beyond my constructions of her/him?) Slightly ironic then that I went initially to a bible college and took counselling and theology. Needless to say, I left this particular institution, after the first year as it happens, and came to the uni i am now enrolled at.

Since I left school in 2000, I have had an uncomfortable time as a believer. I spent the first year coping with a pretty comprehensive religious meltdown, the second bringing back a little balance; in the third year, the focus shifted onto more general concerns and having a girlfriend (I was grateful for the change in scenery), in the fourth year my attention returned to the fractures present in my worldview, which were beginning to gape to an embarassing extent. My fifth year, the one spent at the bible college, was a slight improvement however I began to see that I was unhappy about life in a way that I was as yet unable to express. Since coming to uni and largely jettisoning any necessity to retain a traditional Christian belief, or to be involved in a Church, I have become incredibly happy! Thats the good news.

In all of the challenge of learning to live in a world full of ambiguity and uncertainty (which it is, to a ex-evangelical), I can at least say, that I am a more contented person. The question is, can I find a way forward as a Christian? More to the point, a passionate Christian? I suppose thats why I am grateful to be involved, in a very loose and tentative sense, with the emerging church movement. To be precise, 'Moot' at St. Matthews, Westminster. At the minute, quite frankly, I dont give two hoots about the 'emerging movement'. I refuse to get back into a place of 'towing the party line', church-wise.

However, the people at moot are a wonderful bunch, for me, that is. As a part of that community I can pursue God without having to be involved to an extent I'm uncomfortable with; I don't sign up to a system of beliefs - they accept me, heresy and all; I can voice my concerns/questions, along with everyone else, freely and without fear of exclusion; there is no one person upon whom the whole community depends (so yes, sabbaticals and holidays aren't a problem! For that matter, neither is taking a night off moot and going to pub to watch the football); i can have conversations with people who aren't reluctant to open any of my 'cans of worms', in fact they've opened similar cans for themselves in the past and can really relate; etc, etc.

The other question is, why? Why do i do this to myself? Why am i drawn to deconstruct? destroy? To what end? Truth? perhaps. but whats the use is truth if it doesn't give life? i know faith offers life, but i am not drawn to affirm faith, rather to test it.

Anyway, this is not meant to be an advertisement for the emerging church or moot, nor is it meant to be a veiled indictment on the evangelical church, or on fundamentalism. Maybe its a cry for help, a cry for fellowship, relationship, or conversation. Actually it was supposed to a response to the previous post about Nietzsche. I think I'll leave it there for now though.

later.

aaron