my little piece of nothingness ...wranglings in faith.

i can hear you now, "another upbeat post from aaron then". yep, sorry about the rather morbid pattern emerging in my posts. i hope you'll see however, that ultimately these musings are part of a hopeful search for some sense in my life, and not wallowings in despair. though admittedly i feel that i'm walking a very fine line between these two options.

the "little piece of nothingness" which i refer to in the title of this post is a piece of velvet cloth that i keep by my bedside. its one of the only items in my life that carry a religious significance for me. i'd like to try to explain why, in this post.

it comes from a service i helped lead at church. the theme was,very simply, presence. we explored the subject in the context of worship. for me, the themes that emerged throughout the service surrounded the absence of god in my personal life. i'm not even sure if i'd say that i feel god to be absent. maybe its that i have arrived at a place of doubt, which verges on/amounts to unbelief. during the service mike and i lifted up a large sheet of velvet cloth which had been draped over something at the front of the church throughout the service. it was blue velvet. very dark, almost black. then, very calmly, but rather dramatically, we ripped the cloth in two halves, revealing a large icon of christ. i then proceeded to cut up the cloth into small pieces so that everyone present could take home a piece.

i took my piece home with me that night, and it has been significant for me ever since. being very dark in colour, it partly symbolises for me a kind of mobile black hole. wherever i set it down, its like a black hole opens up to reveal the absolute openness, or emptiness of god. thats not to say i think god doesn't exist, quite the opposite. but its not a very personal god, or a very easily defined god. in this sense, god has become the question for me, the mystery of life. no, this is not a hopeful image. but its significant for me because it reflects my utter disillusionment with (or loss of faith in) dogmatic religious faith. its important for me, somehow, to affirm what i don't believe in. within this however, is the hope that i'll meet god - revealed/concealed in unknowing/darkness - just like the icon. like a kind of curtain, similar to the hebrew temple curtain that separated people from the holy presence of god.

more positively, it is essentially about faith for me. for better or worse, i have presently no faith in any one of the common representations of the divine/religions. but i recognise that these are not god. such representations are, to me, just human constructs. or as pete rollins says of theology - it is that which is done in the aftermath of the divine. a fumbling, clumsy, very human attempt to make sense of an experience of god. thats not to say that theology/religion is useless, but that it is temporal, contextual, failing and not ultimately representative of "truth". realising this fact has led me to peer out into the abyss and chaos of existence outside of the safe surrounds of a "statement of faith", or a water-tight worldview. its a truly life-giving place to be for me. i really feel i am 'trusting' something, something so vast that i am at once lost and found in its presence.

thanks for reading.